COMEDY

Other Texts I’ve Received From Trump Staffers

New phone, who dis?

Opinion

I can relate to Jeffrey Goldberg: I have also somehow in recent weeks ended up getting a series of what appears to be authentic texts from White House officials. Honestly, it’s a welcome change of pace from the offers I’ve been receiving about well-paid remote work, missed packages and lines to pay EZ pass toll fees for trips I don’t remember taking. The worst part? I keep paying the fees, but the texts keep coming!

Crucially, all these Trump staffers and other top GOP officials seem to have mistakenly saved my number as if it was one of their besties’ contact info. I’m not mad, as the messages I received made me feel pretty important—and important enough to share with you:

From Pete Hegseth to Big Balls—and his assistant Little Balls—who now oversee all messages sent through cellphones in the U.S.: “Can anyone get me the cell number of that smiling mugshot Georgia co-ed? I’m assuming she’s with Cricket.”

From Elon Musk to the FDA and Doctor Oz: “Bad day in stock market. Depressed. Need more ketamine* now.”

*Author’s note: I find nothing wrong with that because well, I’m in show business.

From Kristi Noem to someone (me) she perhaps assumed was Corey Lewandowski and concerning what at first I in turn assumed was some sort of weather advisory: “The coast is clear*, he’s out of town.”

*Author’s note: I find nothing wrong with that either because, well, I’m in show business.

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From JD Vance to Usha Vance: “Please text me back babe.”

From Kash Patel to Vladimir Putin: “Please text me back babe.”

From RFK Jr. to all 83 of the 2022 Miss Universe contestants: “Please text me back babes.”

From Mike Johnson to the five members of the National Prayer Council: “Under HR 5171, from now on all WWJD bracelets will stand for ‘What Would Johnson Do.’”

From Linda McMahon to the President of Columbia University: “I know you were ‘rassling’ with this—LOL WWE joke. Thank u for agreing to all our surrnder terms and I hope your lips are heeling from all that ass kissing.”

A second text from Linda McMahon to the President of Columbia University: “Turns out free speech ain’t free if it costs $400 million. LMAO.”

A third text from Linda McMahon to the President of Columbia University: “Happy Pesach, smuck!”

From John Thune to someone (me) who he thought was Chuck Schumer: “Thanks sucker!”*

*Author’s note: I thought that was elder abuse.

From Howard Lutnick to all members of AARP: “Die you bastards, die*. And then after you die, stop claiming Social Security.”

*Author’s note: Okay, that is actual elder abuse.

From Donald Trump to Charles Barkley: “How’d you like my biggest most beautiful bracket ever? Got every game right. No other president ever got every team right going into the Sweet 16.”

And from the Commissioner of International Territory Acquisitions to Greenland Premier Múte Bourup Egede: “52. naalagaaffitta tikilluaqqusaasuat!” (in English, “Welcome our 52nd state!”)

I hope now that this has gone public that these texts will stop. Except the ones from Linda McMahon. All her typos are cute.

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