TEXTBOOK EXAMPLES

The MAGA Truths Behind 10 Iconic Moments in American History

Who is going to question our great president’s retelling of this great nation’s past?

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There has been a lot of discussion of late centered on America’s past—and how we as a nation should address it moving forward.

As a result, there are attempts to revise or remove exhibits in the Smithsonian that the White House finds objectionable, to remove books from schools for their “objectionable” content, to re-erect statues of historical figures torn down by “woke” liberals (welcome back Christopher Columbus!), and to rename the renamed schools and military bases that the left didn’t like.

At this point, some of these places have gone through more name changes than the man who went from Sean Combs to Puffy to Puff Daddy to P. Diddy to Diddy to inmate #763427.

But here’s the good news: given that I was a history major at Villanova—yes, Bobby Prevost, aka Pope Leo XIV, and I went to school together—and given that next year is a major anniversary for these United States, I have taken a look back at the last 250 years and come up with a list of 10 major events in our history that we should all agree can be safely taught and touted in the Trumpian way our current president would want. You can trust me, I was a straight B minus student.

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Paul Revere’s ride

He did not ride through the Massachusetts countryside yelling, “The British are coming!” What Revere—who was actually a shrewd economist, it turns out—actually said was, “200 percent tariffs on the British are coming.” Also, the French did not help us in the Revolutionary War. We did it all by ourselves—the French are total surrender monkeys.

The War of 1812

The U.S. Capitol was not overrun and set on fire that day. It was a peaceful and patriotic gathering by people unhappy with the election stolen from Aaron Burr several years earlier.

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And the U.S. Civil War

Coastal elites in the north who horribly mistreated their factory employees were mad that Southern job creators were providing free housing, medical care and food for their happy workers.

The Great Depression

The conventional wisdom is that the depression was caused by the stock market crash, overextended investors and a decline in global trade. We know now, however, that we should actually blame Joe Biden.

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The typhoid epidemic

Typhoid Mary was not actually an Irish immigrant. She was from Wuhan Province.

And the polio vaccine

This deadly vaccine—which actually caused so much suffering and disease—was finally taken off the market by RFK Jr., whose advice to anyone who claims they ever get polio is to “walk it off.”

World War II

All our children ever need to know is that there were good people on both sides.

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The McCarthy hearings

No one was “Blacklisted.” They were actually “listed.” (Readers please note: Under an anticipated upcoming court order, The Smithsonian has already removed all references to the word “Black.”)

True history reveals that heroes like World War II veterans Joe McCarthy and Richard Nixon caught communists who had infiltrated our government, like Alger Hiss and AOC.

In fact, Nixon was so popular that even decades after he was falsely accused in that Watership Down scandal, he was affectionately given his “Tricky Dick” nickname—and no other president except one (see below) can ever claim to be known as a “tricky dick.”

The Clinton sex scandal

Yes, that dastardly Democrat Bill Clinton was the only U.S. President to ever have an affair. But if President Trump had ever even thought about cheating on his wives, which of course he never has, it would have been the best affair ever for the woman because of his giant, throbbing cankles. I mean, penis.

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January 6, 2021

There is no such date in the calendar.

A bonus, of course: the presidential elections of 2016, 2020 and 2024

Our greatest president in history won all three by huge landslides. The biggest and most beautiful elections ever. At least until 2028.

That’s it, these 10 moments in all-American history are now corrected for future generations, and for all of us to re-learn in time for the semiquincentennial—as well as learn how to spell sesquicentennial. Please share your thoughts on other historical records that should be corrected in the comments. Together, we can remember the good ol’ days as they should be/have been/will be.

And coming soon, the revised Trump Bible, which gives the real birthdate of our savior: June 14, 1946.

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