MANIC EPISODE

Stephen Miller Rages Over Trump Health Rumors

The president’s chief adviser delivered a stream-of-consciousness rant about the state of Trump’s health.

A manic Stephen Miller hyperventilated on Fox News about Donald Trump’s “stamina” and work ethic in a desperate attempt to downplay the growing rumors about the president’s health.

The sycophantic White House leader defended Trump after rumors of Trump’s imminent demise and failing health swept social media last weekend, partly because he so often hogs the limelight.

“President Trump has done more press conferences, more interviews, more transparency, more public accessibility, more hours and hours with the press. He livestreams his cabinet meetings for nearly four hours!” Miller breathlessly explained while gesticulating wildly.

“There’s no human being in the history of politics who has made themselves more available to the press and the public than President Trump or who has demonstrated more stamina,” he added.

“In public life, I can tell you that every single person who works for him in the White House is outworked by him.

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“He is the first one to call us in the morning, in the early hours of the morning,” the White House deputy chief of staff for policy said.

“He is the last one to call us far past midnight on every single work project, whether it’s trade, whether it’s national security, whether it’s the border, whether it’s crime, whether it’s public safety, whether it is making our cities beautiful again, whether it is making our government responsive, whether it’s improving the workforce, whether it is dealing with the need for cheaper housing, you pick the issue: He’s on top of it 24/7.”

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While the rumors of Trump’s imminent demise, which swept social media over the weekend, proved to be premature, the president’s visibly deteriorating physical condition and uncharacteristic lack of public appearances have seen the 79-year-old forced to answer questions about his own mortality.

“Well, it’s fake news,” the president said of the rumors about his death, standing behind a podium with makeup plastered over a bruised hand and his swollen ankles hidden from display.

Yet despite Miller’s objections, even Trump himself admitted that most of his weekend was spent playing golf, with an hour-long phone interview and a frantic posting spree on Truth Social in which he declared he’s “NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY LIFE” being his only confirmed activities.

The White House has struggled to maintain a consistent narrative regarding Trump’s bruised hand, claiming it is caused by excessive shaking of hands, but also as a side-effect of aspirin, which the president takes “as part of a standard cardiovascular prevention regime.”

As for his cankles, which have started being cropped out of official photos after drawing unwanted media attention, Trump’s physician claimed in July that the president had been diagnosed with chronic venous insufficiency, which makes it harder for blood to move from the legs to the heart.

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