SEXIEST MAN ALIVE

Help! Why Do I Suddenly Have a Crush on the New Predator?

Strange feelings were stirred up by the new “Predator: Badlands” movie.

Last week, People magazine announced that the Sexiest Man Alive is none other than Jonathan Bailey, the first openly gay man to receive that honor. If you know what Jonathan Bailey looks like, you’d be pretty hard-pressed to argue with that pick. But just like Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn’t help but wonder if someone else equally deserving was being overlooked.

Perhaps, if Predators: Badlands, the latest film in the decades-spanning Predator franchise, had been released a few weeks earlier, things would be different. That’s because the film’s protagonist, Dek (Dimitrius Schuster-Koloamatangi), is now my ultimate crush.

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Predator: Badlands is the first film in the franchise to have a Predator in the lead role. And I’m here to proclaim that Dek, a proud member of the Yautja species, is incredibly hot.

If you’ve ever seen a Predator’s face before, you probably think I’m out of my mind. And granted, Dek’s face looks pretty frightening at first glance.

His mouth is full of exceptionally sharp fangs, sharp enough that he’s probably never used a knife in his life. He’s also got another layer of four extra-long teeth that protrude from his face on these strange, tendril-like protrusions. I can’t really defend those, but hey, nobody’s perfect. At least I can rest easy knowing that I’d be incredibly safe walking down the street with Dek—nobody in their right mind would try to fight him.

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Then there are those beady yellow eyes, sunk deep into his face. At first, they’re unsettling—murderous even. But look into them long enough and you’ll be mesmerized. Plus, they blend perfectly with his brownish-tan skin. Staring into his eyes is like staring at the sun, without the risk of scorching your retinas.

Physically, Dek’s built like a brick house, complete with impeccable biceps, which are noticeable but not overwhelming. And we see him do a lot of warrior activity, aka fighting for survival in a hazardous world where even the grass could kill you.

He swings from vines like Tarzan, takes down enemies 10 times his size, and wields an exceptionally cool plasma sword. And he’s got amazing legs—which are exceptionally prominent, because, similar to Bailey’s famed sl-tty little glasses, below Dek’s intricate armor are a pair of sl-tty little shorts. Those shorts showcase his powerful, tree-trunk legs, capable of kicking enemies back a few hundred feet or, perhaps, cracking open a watermelon with ease.

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When Dek meets Thia (Elle Fanning), a synthetic made by the Weyland Yutani corporation, we see a whole new side of him. He transforms from a mysterious, if frightening, fighter to a thoughtful, introspective, and, yes, sexy icon. Historically, the Yautja have fought alone, forging a solitary path throughout life. But Thia changes the way Dek sees the world, encouraging him to complete his mission with her (and an adorable creature named Bud) by his side.

Dek displays a vulnerability you’d never expect from a Yautja. It was more than enough to make me swoon.

Dek has everything you could want in a partner. He loves his family and community, and is fiercely devoted to making them proud (excluding his father, but in fairness, he murdered his brother in cold blood right in front of Dek). His entire mission to retrieve the Kalisk is to prove his worth to his community and bring justice to his brother. He’s extraordinarily capable, adept at surviving in the harshest conditions—when the apocalypse inevitably comes, Dek is the rare kind of guy that’d get you through the most trying times with ease and grace. And did I mention the sl-tty little shorts?

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Not one of People’s Sexiest Men Alive could convince me that they could weather the end days. But you better believe Dek can—and he can do it with a goofy, toothy smile.

Barry LevittFreelance Writer

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