EXCESS BAGGAGE

Let’s Hope Trump’s ICE Goons Are Enjoying Their Spring Break Rager

Please remember to remove the tear gas canisters from your carry-on suitcase.

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As those foolhardy American travelers still willing to wait in four-hour security lines for a slim possibility of taking to the skies embark on spring vacations, the nation’s most fearless defenders of unlawful search and seizure are finally getting to enjoy some rest and relaxation of their own, too.

Deployed at the direction of President Trump to help alleviate bottlenecks at security checkpoints, ICE goons have been spotted at airports nationwide this week. However, their staycation in these travel hubs doesn’t come without its duties. With fewer voices left to repeatedly shout condescending instructions about shoe removal and banned toiletries, the added presence of members of America’s second-most comforting government agency is clearly intended to ensure that travelers can still enjoy the… experience they have come to expect at U.S. airports.

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Though they aren’t trained to operate body scanners, many have volunteered to perform patdowns, citing their ability to “learn on the job.” They are finding creative ways to contribute across the board, sampling complimentary items at airport lounges to ensure quality and thumbing through beach reads at newsstands to check for suspicious plot twists—several officers have reported picking up innovative crimefighting tips from James Patterson’s newest novels. No strangers to checking credentials, they have brought their skills to this arena as well, pointing out the toddlers they deem most suspicious and checking whether that poorly-trained Dachshund on your flight to Phoenix really is a service animal.

Their airport activities, however, have been largely marked by long periods of downtime, during which they have perfected the art of strolling back and forth on the moving walkways to appear busy.

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Most are in vacation mode, ditching their usual face masks to avoid pesky tan lines. Morale is high, with agents clearly enjoying their break from the repetitive routine of kicking down doors and terrorizing schoolchildren, instead taking time to engage in luggage cart races, take rides on baggage carousels, and experiment with new combinations of Zyn pouch flavors.

“You know, at first I was wondering whether my trip to Cabo was really worth it,” shared one traveler, speaking candidly from the cold tile floor of Newark Liberty International Airport with the combat boot of an ICE agent resting reassuringly on his neck. “But after getting here and seeing how hard these guys are working, I realized I really have nothing to worry about.”

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However, it may not be long before the party is over, with Delta announcing Tuesday that it will suspend special treatment for members of Congress, who are typically allowed to skip security lines and avoid running into their pajama-clad constituents. Forced to face the horror of boarding with their assigned group, politicians will likely spring into action, searching between the couch cushions of Washington to find the funding they need to get TSA back up and running, meaning the agents will have to leave the airports and once again take to the streets.

But as the saying goes, while the gastrointestinal discomfort from all those Auntie Anne’s pretzels you ate in Terminal 3 may fade, the memories will last forever.

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