NEW BEGINNINGS

Here’s What the Trump Administration Should Be Renaming Next

The Washington Monument? No, it’s now a tribute to President Trump’s mighty phallus.

Opinion

The House GOP’s push to rename the Kennedy Center Opera House after Melania Trump isn’t just legacy laundering, it’s damnatio memoriae in reverse. Sure, legally speaking, the Kennedy Center’s founding charter makes such a stunt near impossible without a full act of Congress, but that hasn’t stopped them from trying.

Instead of erasing disgraced figures from the past, this is about platforming the disgraced figures of the moment—spray-painting the names of MAGA idols over national landmarks like they’re tagging their ex’s couch before moving out.

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What’s the endgame here—performative fealty to our Dear Leader? Trolling the libs via cultural vandalism? Or is it just a vibes-first campaign to whitewash any trace of American history that isn’t aligned with the Trump regime?

Whatever the motivation, subtlety has long left the building. And with that in mind, I humbly offer some ideas to help the administration accelerate its aesthetic overhaul:

1. The U.S. Institute of Peace, now known as The Stephen Miller Center for American Identity Research

A WeWork-style groupthink space for ideating tomorrow’s boldest threats to pluralism—and possibly plural marriage, if those throuple rumors are to be believed. Cold brew on tap, DEI posters used as coasters.

2. The Department of Homeland Security, now known as ICE Barbie’s Mansion

30% more border wall renderings and 100% less institutional memory. The space comes with mirrored interrogation rooms, MAGA mood lighting, extensive wardrobe space and a complimentary press conference in the Barbie DreamJet™.

3. The Library of Congress, now known as The Mar-a-Library

Previously a revered archive of American history, now a gilded storage unit for guest towels, cocktail napkins and misfiled classified documents in the “golf scores” drawer. Fox News runs on loop in the reading room—in silence.

4. The Federal Emergency Management Agency, now known as The Bannon Bunker

Modeled after the Greenbrier Cold War bunker, but with dubious hygiene and medieval cosplay. The space may or may not contain the ghosts of failed alt-right podcasts.

5. The Girl Scouts of America, now known as Maxwell’s Finishing School for Girls

Yes, it’s a federally-funded pole-dancing club disguised as a charm school. ‘Trainees’ study pliability, pageantry and plausible deniability, graduating with a fully-redacted diploma and glowing letter from Trump’s legal team. Motto: “We wish you well.“

6. The Metropolitan Museum of Art, now known as The MEL Museum of Decorative Silence

Renamed in honor of Melania, because why stop at the Kennedy Center? The museum’s collection is re-curated to focus exclusively on Be Best™ energy, murder trees and Slovenian crystal. For top donors, Melania will whisper historical facts in an ASMR audio guide. Performative dance? No. Performative resistance? Absolutely.

7. The Walter Reed Medical Center, now known as The RFK Jr. Hospice for Preventable Diseases

Now featuring horse paste, hot tubs and a complimentary copy of The Real Truth About Wi-Fi. Any/all contagions are welcomed—herd immunity is the end goal. And who needs insurance when you’re accepting measles and covfefe?

8. The Pentagon, now known as Pete Hegseth’s Haus of War

Animal House meets the military-industrial complex. Oversight replaced by beer pong, group texts and vibe checks. And no chicks allowed, naturally.

9. The Great Lakes, now known as The Greatest Lakes

Because adjectives are policy now.

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And yes, there’s a fifth lake but it’s not named for Tiffany. She gets a commemorative IHOP in Palm Beach instead.

10. Yellowstone National Park, now known as the Yellowstone Fracking & Theme Reserve

Now brought to you by ExxonMobil and Trump Outdoor Grills. Includes the Tom Homan wolf (and migrant) hunting pavilion and the Tulsi Gabbard geyser, which erupts every 7–10 minutes with misinformation.

11. NASA, now known as VANCE (Vague Ambitions for National Cosmic Excellence)

Don’t tell J.D., but an agency originally slated to be renamed after Elon Musk. (It was re-directed after Musk rage-quit a Senate hearing over the government’s refusal to cover his childcare.) Now a fully-privatized propaganda machine focused on sending populist thinkpieces to the moon. And then finding a new moon after Sean Duffy’s nuclear power plant there inevitably melts down.

12. The Statue of Liberty, now known as The Statue of Loyalty

Recast in gold-plated resin and holding a Truth Social Terms of Service agreement. New inscription reads: “Give me your fawning, your sycophants, your verified users yearning to boost engagement—so long as they never question me.”

Opinion

CRAZY TALK

Is Trump Out of Touch, Senile, Nuts, or Something Worse?

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Look, I’m not saying Trump’s actually going to replace Lady Liberty with a giant gilded animatronic of Kari Lake reading the Constitution backwards. But if we’re already renaming national institutions, they might as well go full Project 2025. Because while all of this might seem absurd, what’s being erased isn’t just names—it’s the record of who built this country in the first place. (And in particular, it’s women and people of color whose legacies are getting scrubbed.) It’s not just performative, it’s punitive. And the punchline is who disappears.

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