COUNSELOR-IN-CHIEF

Everything I Need to Know to Run the Government I Learned at Sleepaway Camp

Elon Musk’s hobby of breaking things—and claiming he fixed them—has now reached the upper echelons of the federal government.

Opinion

According to a recent Wired article, Elon Musk has essentially taken over the Office of Personnel Management. The OPM, for those who don’t speak civil service, is essentially human resources for the entire federal government. It handles matters like recruiting, hiring, health insurance, and retirement plans. Nothing important!

Under Musk, the office is reportedly being run by a bunch of young and inexperienced tech bros (a term I have decided is gender-neutral). How young, you ask? How inexperienced are the people potentially in charge of…everything? According to Wired’s sources, one of the new higher-ups in the OPM “graduated from high school in 2024” and still lists his job as a “camp counselor” on his resume.

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But you know what? I think cheering a bunch of rich kids along through color wars and underwater basket weaving might actually be the ideal preparation to work in the Trump administration. And as a former camp leader myself, I can honestly say I developed all kinds of skills that are applicable at this very moment. After all, what is taking over Greenland if not an elaborate and potentially lethal game of Capture the Flag?

So here are a few things I learned at Camp Ahem-The-Name-Is-Probably-Racist-Now™ that, in fact, do qualify me to run the government:

Positivity.

Camp counselors have to have a great attitude. When campers have head lice (there’s always one with head lice) or are feeling homesick, it’s our job to help them look on the bright side. So when Mr. Musk says something like “Let’s fire everyone and make AI but for Social Security” know that I know my job as a federal employee is to say “Yes boss! Old people love nothing more than complicated, untested, unreliable technology!”

And when he says, “Pass a law to make babies taller!” or “What if guns had protein powder?” or “Women but without mouths!”—I say “Done, done, and mmmmmmffff.”

Dealing With Aggressive Animals.

Say my supervisor is in a positively rabid mood because Twitter is now worth $6.50 and another of his dozen or so children has decided to go no-contact. Fear not! I’ve basically been training for this exact scenario.

First, I make myself appear as large as possible by waving my arms and growling, all while maintaining steady eye contact. I avoid sudden movements or high-pitched screams as that may make them think I am prey and/or female. And then I point to the side and say something like “OMG, IT’S THE DEEP STATE” or “MARK ZUCKERBERG SAID YOU’RE HOW FAT?” as a distraction.

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If this doesn’t work, Plan B is obviously to play dead (which was my plan for the next four years anyway). Usually at that point Elon—I mean, this totally hypothetical mad manager-type—will get bored and go back to playing video games or, of course, hiring people to play video games for him.

Campfires.

Being at camp teaches you everything there is to know about fires—whether it’s building them or putting them out—and I have a feeling that’s going to come in handy. Building fires? Well I’m just spitballing here, but sounds like a great skill for keeping warm on a cool night Starlink-gazing on the White House lawn... or, say, destroying documents. Classified? Not classified? It all makes great kindling. Not that the Trump administration would ever need to destroy documents! I’m speaking hypothetically.

Oh, and putting out fires? I’m just going to say the word Cybertruck and leave it at that.

Scary Stories.

Everyone knows the best part of camp is when you sit around the documents-fire, eat s’mores and listen to your counselor tell you a scary story, like “The Girl With A Green Ribbon Around Her Neck” or “The Boy With the Emerald Mine Who Thinks He Is Good At Comedy.” But at summer camp, the stories can only get so scary because we know they aren’t real.

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In the Trump administration? Well, we’ll be living through actual horror stories like: “Invertebrate Enters Man’s Head And Brings Back Smallpox” or “‘ICE Barbie’ Kills Dog and Goat, Seeks Next Victims.”

Water Sports.

Actually, nevermind.

In conclusion, if all those years at camp taught me anything, it’s to have a can-do attitude: Grab the bugle for taps! Tie-dye even if you can’t find a pair of gloves! Jump down off that top bunk and do everything you can to stop your charges from killing themselves—and everyone else!

And besides, If you can’t stop Elon Musk and the Trump administration from destroying democracy and the vast majority of the human race? Well, at least you have the survival skills needed to live off the land.

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Jill Twiss

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