THE MAGA WAY

Trump, 79, Fundraises Off Desperate Push to Get Into Heaven

The president has spoken about his mortality more and more as speculation mounts about his declining health.

President Donald Trump is now fundraising off his newfound push to make it into heaven.

The 79-year-old president’s Super PAC fired off an email to supporters on Saturday morning with the opening line, “Friend, I want to try and get to Heaven.”

That sort of talk is not entirely out of the blue for Trump, who said on Aug. 19 that his desire to bring peace to Russia and Ukraine is partly to boost his odds of securing a comfortable spot in the afterlife. That remark comes as Trump’s hand bruising, swollen ankles, and an increase in mental gaffes fuel speculation about his mortality, and about the plans for succession.

The thrice-married Trump told Fox News he feels he is “at the bottom of the totem pole” regarding his chances, suggesting he needs all the help he can get.

Apparently, he also needs all the money he can get.

“So if you’re with me all the way to the end, join with MILLIONS of your fellow PATRIOTS by chipping in $15 to keep the wins rolling in,” Trump’s fundraising email said on Saturday. Forbes estimates Trump is worth $6.1 billion.

Trump’s fundraising flies in the face of the wisdom contained in the gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke, which contain Jesus’ hints on entering heaven: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.”

Trump’s lengthy email also claimed that “God saved” him from the bullet fired by Thomas Crooks at a Pennsylvania campaign rally last year so he could “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

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“I wasn’t supposed to beat Crooked Hillary in 2016—but I did,” the email says. “I wasn’t supposed to secure the border & build the greatest economy in history—but I did. I certainly wasn’t supposed to survive an assassin’s bullet—but by the grace of the almighty God, I did.”

It continues: “SO NOW, I have no other choice but to answer the Call to Duty, but I can’t do it alone.”

After a marathon cabinet meeting on Tuesday, in which the president was showered with sycophantic praise from his secretaries, Trump remained out of public view this week. The disappearance of the attention-loving president—paired with rumors that his health is deteriorating—sparked unfounded rumors on social media, mainly from critics of the president, that he had died.

Many of the rumors emerged after Laura Rozen, an independent reporter, pointed out Friday that Trump had nothing on his public schedule for Labor Day weekend. Dozens of posts joking about the matter—many in celebration of his fake passing—pulled in tens of thousands of likes.

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“If Trump’s dead, they should bury JD Vance alive with him like they did with pharaohs and their cats,” said one post, which received nearly 300,000 likes on X.

Another with over 56,000 likes on the platform read, “Trump’s gonna wake up and see the world hoping he’s dead, and then he’s gonna get mad at Mexicans for some reason.”

Trump re-emerged on Saturday morning to play a round of golf on Saturday morning, however, bringing that tongue-in-cheek speculation to an end.

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Josh FialloBreaking News Reporter

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