LIFE IN PLASTIC, IT’S FANTASTIC

An Open Letter to ICE Barbie From the Mattel Corporation

In the words of your boss, you’re fired.

satire

Dear ICE Barbie,

While we at Mattel remain focused on developing Barbies to represent the dreams of every child, we regret to inform you that we have reached the difficult decision to end our relationship with you, effective immediately. This was not an easy decision to make, especially given the investments made to build out an extensive wardrobe of Barbie-sized balaclavas and tactical skorts, but focus group research has now affirmed our earlier suspicions of your limited appeal.

Unlike the enthusiastic kids who were introduced to Astronaut Barbie’s cosmic missions or Rock Star Barbie’s show-stopping talent, only a very small subset of children connected with ICE Barbie’s adventures in Home Depot parking lots and at high school graduations. “I love all the different Barbies. They do so much awesome stuff,” said five-year-old Christine Philips in one group, “but I wouldn’t want this one. Doesn’t she know that under the Fourth Amendment, she needs a warrant to enter the homes of honest Americans? She’s kinda scary.”

Children in another focus group reported that your affiliates stood waiting in the halls of the research facility, ready to detain any negative reviewers as soon as they left Mattel jurisdiction.

In cases where research was untainted by such extraordinary tactics, children were observed gravitating toward the traditional Barbie Dream House much more than they did the new Barbie Dream Detention Center, seeming put off by its bare walls and alligators with realistic jaw-snapping action. While Ken has always been a lovable, if dimwitted, sidekick for Barbies of all varieties, children found the recorded catchphrases of your proposed Talking Kash spinoff doll too inane to be believable, and multiple children were brought to tears by his unblinking gaze.

And in the case of a toy that did make it to production, Christmas sales of the new Ride-On Nondescript SUV Complete With Out-of-State Plates were underwhelming compared to those of other options in traditional Barbie pink.

ON THIN ICE

ICE Barbie’s Odds to Be Fired Reach All-Time High

Josh Fiallo

Concerns about your conduct in the workplace have also been expressed by colleagues such as Tango Dancer Barbie, UNICEF Ambassador Barbie and Veterinarian Barbie, who said you shared some disturbing, unsolicited ideas for end-of-pet-life care. “Us Barbies try to help each other out whenever we can,” remarked Pilot Barbie, “but when she asked me if I could turn off my radar for a clandestine overnight flight to El Salvador, I thought she crossed a line.”

Several of the American Girl Dolls have voiced a similar sentiment, claiming you pressed them for specific details regarding their immigration journeys. One, speaking anonymously for fear of retaliation, said, “I understand ICE Barbie wants to make sure the backbreaking jobs in nineteenth-century factories go to people who are here legally, but the series of threatening telegraphs she sent to my family has made us feel like we might be better off just getting right back on that steamship.”

These actions are certainly not aligned with our mission of creating a Barbie World for all Barbie Girls, and leave us no choice but to terminate your employment.

We suggest that you take your talents to a doll family more tolerant of chaotic behavior, such as Bratz. We understand they are currently in negotiations to develop a White House Press Secretary model, so you should fit in nicely.

Yours in Plastic,

Mattel’s Chief Barbie Officer

See more of our coverage in your search results.

ADD THE DAILY BEAST ON GOOGLE

Seamus Clair

Got a tip? Send it to The Daily Beast here.