DEATH IN PARADISE

An Important Message From the ‘White Lotus’ Hotel Chain’s Crisis PR Team

Please don’t let those unfortunate murders detract from our new drinks menu at the swim-up bar.

opinion

The Emmy-winning hit The White Lotus, a dark comedy about murder in paradise, returned to HBO this past weekend for its third season. There’s, of course, already an array of gunshots and a floating body. So at this point we’d be remiss not to ask—can’t the series’ terribly wealthy guests find a six-star hotel that doesn’t count death among its day trips and other amenities?

Perhaps that’s because the resort chain’s PR team is on the case:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Feb 16, 2025

WHITE LOTUS PROVIDES LUXURY, ADVENTURE AND TIMELESS MEMORIES

White Lotus, the world’s premiere luxury hospitality ecosystem, continues to execute growth across key areas while maintaining its unbeatable service experiences.

No matter what you’ve heard.

“Enjoy our vast ocean views and cozy lagoons,” says Edward Aloysius Kassembaum, President and Chief Executive Officer, White Lotus Resorts. “After all,” he adds, “your odds of finding a dead body at the luxurious White Lotus resorts are extremely slim. I’m not legally allowed to say zero, but you’re probably not going to run into a corpse on the beach. Literally tens of thousands of people have stayed at White Lotus resorts and benefitted from our relaxing spa experience without seeing a single dead body. Or being a dead body! What was the question?”

At a White Lotus property, privacy and discretion is guaranteed. Whether you’re enjoying a beach bungalow, partaking in the services of local prostitutes or just observing our exquisite yet unobtrusive staff perform analingus on one another, our resorts are the very picture of discretion.

After all, you are very, very rich. You deserve a consequence-free life, or at least the chance to feature as a supporting character in a popular true crime podcast**.

CHECKING IN

We Went to ‘The White Lotus’ Thailand Hotel

Laura Studarus

“Enjoy our fine dining, breathtaking vistas and our luxury catamarans,” says White Lotus founder and board chair, Estella Abavice. “Perhaps you want a spa experience with your family. Or a romantic honeymoon spot. Or even just a peaceful place to scatter your mother’s ashes. Because she’s already dead. Not because the White Lotus killed her. You can’t count that one against us.”

“For no reason at all, we will now be searching our guests for weapons upon arrival,” adds Director of Hospitality Denise Cabrieri. “It’s just a new thing we do. While you enjoy a cold, lavender-scented towelette, we’ll gently open your luggage—ignoring any cocaine or MDMA, of course—to make sure you don’t accidentally have a gun. Or, say, nunchucks. Just as a random example.”

And beyond confirming you’re not planning pre-meditated murder or mayhem, our staff will do everything in their power to make your stay a pleasant one. From CEO Kassembaum: “At the heart of our success are our people. Our staff. Virtually all of whom are not murderers or murder victims. On aggregate, I think you could basically say there’s never been a murder at a White Lotus resort if you round down. Of course, you may have heard about an unfortunate incident at our Maui location. And our Tarmonia locale. But by all means, come to Thailand. What could happen there?”

There is always an adventure at the White Lotus resorts.

**Take 20% off with our True Crime package. Well we can’t make any guarantees, but statistically you’ll probably end up being able to deduct the trip on your taxes.

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