HOSTILE TAKEOVER

Alex Jones Humiliated in First Episode After Losing Infowars

Satirical news brand The Onion didn’t hold back in debut diatribe.

Comedian Tim Heidecker posted a first taste of what an Onion-fied Infowars will look like in an “emergency broadcast” late Friday night.

Heidecker began his impersonation of bankrupt Infowars host Alex Jones by claiming he’d made a deal between god and the devil. He then said he was wearing Jones’ skin.

“I am wearing his skin, I have been wearing his skin now for about two weeks. It’s tough skin, it is Texas skin. It’s leathery and Old Spice is the main fragrance, as well as various alcoholic beverages,” Heidecker said.

The broadcast came at the end of a week in which Jones succeeded in delaying The Onion’s takeover of Infowars in a Texas court but was nonetheless forced to surrender the website as the legal battle drags on. The satirical news site has vowed to take control of Jones’ assets to turn the Infowars brand into a parody.

Jones has operated Infowars since 1999, but a court ordered its liquidation last year after Sandy Hook families sued Jones for defamation over his conspiracy theory-fueled lies about the shooting and won over $1 billion in judgments.

The Onion’s parent company, Global Tetrahedron, reached an agreement for a six-month lease of the site earlier in the week, with the option to renew, and a goal of eventually buying all of Infowars assets.

That deal was struck after The Onion’s earlier bid to buy Infowars was blocked in 2024. Jones said on Thursday that he had been locked out of the Infowars office because the bills were no longer being paid by the bankruptcy administrator.

Heidecker was more than happy to take on the role.

‘THIS MOTHERF***ER’

Comedian Slams Alex Jones for ‘Derailing’ Infowars Takeover

Eboni Boykin-Patterson

“Infowars will be coming to you courtesy of me as the creative director and The Onion,” he said as he aped Jones’ ranting, stilted style.

Heidecker’s Jones also claimed they’d developed the technology to extract gold from urine. “Ship it to us, and we’ll be able to extract the gold minerals out of your urine,” he said.

“I don’t know how you get gold in, but we can get it out now.”

He dismissed the legal roadblock still in their way, saying they would continue “to make sure that Alex Jones pays what...the Sandy Hook families are owed.”

“We’ve already won,” Heidecker ranted. “Alex Jones has been kicked off Infowars. If you go to Infowars.com right now, you’ll see it’s a dead site.

“If my satanic ritual, which we began this morning, is any indication, we are confident that we will be victorious.”

He then brandished a wine glass full of red liquid, which he said was “real human blood,” and drank from it.

“Respect! It tastes like blood!... This is adult blood, by the way, I made sure of it.”

Sarah-Jane CollinsReporter

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